It’s hard for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings, not only on my website, but in my everyday interactions with people. Despite an arguably decent-sized number of friends and acquaintances, I don’t necessarily confide in any one person 100%. Maybe it’s easier that way for me, because I understand myself better than most people do, and don’t have the kind of trust needed to think otherwise. My professionalism on this blog has changed dramatically over the course of my stay here. I have arguably made many emotional posts in the past, mostly directly after a traumatic experience in the past.
Flashback to high school, where the emotions I felt on a day-to-day basis (largely sad) were communicated not only freely, but rather shallowly.
September 23rd, 2007: The thought just hit me. I’m alone in this house. My siblings will be gone – one sister at Oregon University, the other @ UCLA. I’m all by myself now. And I have no romantic love interests either. FUCK. self-destruction.
At least it was direct. Flash-forward to college, where my posts were rather indirectly emotional and simultaneously depressing.
Hi, this is an update.Midterms are 2/3′s done. One more on Thursday. (COHI100).Halloween was decent this year.Thanksgiving is coming up.Then Christmas.New Year’s.Winter Quarter.Spring.Summer.Junior Year.Senior Year.Graduation.Grad School? Business?Work 50+ years.Grow old.Die.Oh, what a bleak life we live.
After a certain point, I didn’t want to be the emotional teenager I once was, conveying my thoughts and emotions on such a public forum. And yet, after the traumatic experience of my first real breakup, the posts while sad, were not as raging.
March 11th, 2012:
Sometimes I sit back and think about my failures. So many things have been lost in my life – so many friendships, so many relationships, so many experiences. It’s nearly 4 AM and I still can’t sleep. Over thinking everything in the past (including all my past mistakes and failures) has brought me to this point, where I ponder and ponder about how to make my life ultimately better. The truth is some days I feel okay. The other reality is though – some days I struggle to survive. I know I still have friends who will carry me through the next 3 months as I struggle to persevere and leave San Diego forever. It’s definitely going to be an uphill battle but if I can just get to the finish line, I think I’ll be okay.
I’m trying to consume my time with eating, cooking, exercising, or other things that will keep my mind off my guilt, my mistakes, my realities, and my manifestations of the events that have occurred. No matter what I do though, there’s always the thought in the back of my mind of the what-if’s and the possibility of going back and fixing the problem. The reality is there is no easy fix, and I remain completely miserable in my prospects for what lies ahead in my life. Hopefully a miracle will happen that will eventually restore my happiness permanently. Till then, I’ll be living life one second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year at a time.
Maybe my life is too-centered on fairy tale notions of success, friendship, and love, but optimism is one thing that can inspire anyone towards a better tomorrow. Obviously the flip side of that is being too idealistic, and aiming for intangible goals.
Looking back, high school really wasn’t that bad. My insecurities and desire for something more always made it seem that way though. I was arguably just evolving into an improved version of myself. It’s not like social awkwardness or mood swings ended in my college years, a whirlwind of events both positive and negative shaped my experiences.
For my physical and emotional well-being I need to protect myself to ensure I don’t reach low points again. To do that I will have to communicate my emotions more effectively and directly. While maintaining a balance of being as direct as a teenager, I need to do so in the maturity level of an adult.
At this point in my life, I’m in a relatively happy and healthy state. For that to continue though, I need to take various precautions to ensure I don’t hurt myself. Maintaining a good balance of work, school, and relationships can ensure I do so. While striving for various moral attributes has been the primary goal this year, I still have to remember to properly take care of myself. Because If I’m unhappy, there’s no way I can make the world around me happier. I have to also not like my insecurities take over and control my life, and try to maintain a certain degree of confidence in every arena of my life. Like many people, my biggest fear is failure, whether financially (not being self-sufficient), emotionally (not having a family, or dying alone), socially (losing people in my life, turning into an outcast) or mentally (not learning anything or turning complacent). Though my blog largely remains about my life, I haven’t been communicating directly my day to day affairs. I’m obviously happy about recent developments, namely the gradual (yet somewhat sudden) acquirement of my most recent relationship. I can’t make the mistake again of becoming too attached though, because in the case of failure, I don’t want my life to spin out of control. Optimism and hard work will get me through everything I need to be successful.
