Sometimes I sit back and think about my failures. So many things have been lost in my life – so many friendships, so many relationships, so many experiences. It’s nearly 4 AM and I still can’t sleep. Over thinking everything in the past (including all my past mistakes and failures) has brought me to this point, where I ponder and ponder about how to make my life ultimately better. The truth is some days I feel okay. The other reality is though – some days I struggle to survive. I know I still have friends who will carry me through the next 3 months as I struggle to persevere and leave San Diego forever. It’s definitely going to be an uphill battle but if I can just get to the finish line, I think I’ll be okay.
I’m trying to consume my time with eating, cooking, exercising, or other things that will keep my mind off my guilt, my mistakes, my realities, and my manifestations of the events that have occurred. No matter what I do though, there’s always the thought in the back of my mind of the what-if’s and the possibility of going back and fixing the problem. The reality is there is no easy fix, and I remain completely miserable in my prospects for what lies ahead in my life. Hopefully a miracle will happen that will eventually restore my happiness permanently. Till then, I’ll be living life one second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year at a time.
People who live in the past lose the present. It’s good to reflect and learn from your mistakes, but dwelling does no one good. I know it’s hard since there’s no easy way out, but you’re just going to have to keep looking up and forward. If not, you lose yourself and all the potentialities ahead of you.
Honestly, there will be no miracle to restore your happiness “permanently” because happiness is not permanent. Your emotions are a roller coaster ride. Seeking happiness actually brings more suffering. But improving yourself through friends, family, hobbies, work, academics, and just being a good person is making the most out of the situation and that will bring you to a better place (maybe a happier one, maybe not). Just remember that it’s not the end of the world. You’re human and you have flaws. And I end with a super cliche quote: Time heals all wounds. (:
fuck you kid, get over yourself
Ahh man, I know what you mean. Over thinking everything. Wondering about every possible thing. It can drive you mad because you just dont know the future. You can hope, you can pray, you can dream. You believe yourself to be prepared, but you never will. You just do your best with what you got.